Fullmetal Freakout
by departedsoul13
Summary: Amestris, home of everyone's beloved Fullmetal Alchemist. Amestris, weirdest land of all. With Edward's penchant for trouble, Al's tendency to pick up stray cats, Roy's melodramatics, Hawkeye's guns, and all the other craziness of the Fullmetal Cast, what can one even expect? From anger-management classes and superheroes to stalking and commercials, this is the real Fullmetal Life.
1. An Amestrian Superhero?

**Fullmetal Freakout**

Let the chaos begin.

* * *

><p><strong> Today's Headline:<strong> _An Amestrian Superhero?!_

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><p>A scream broke through the tranquil morning air. All heads turned towards the source.<p>

"My purse!" A masked man dashed away from the distressed woman, a purse in hand.

"Another one?"

"Agh. It's too early for robberies...C'mon, Al." The blond boy swung out of his chair and stretched, his red cloak fluttering in the slight breeze. Across the table from him, a large suit of armor rose as well, pushing his chair in and facing the direction of the scream.

"He should be here any second." Alphonse Elric noted, looking down the street where the scream originated. "All the alleyways are blocked off around here, everybody knows that." Edward stood on his tip-toes, finishing his stretch.

"Alright, let's get going." The Elrics sauntered into the street and watched for the burglar. "You can have him this time, Al."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, go for it." With that, Alphonse, the suit of armor, bent down to the ground and began drawing a transmutation circle with a small piece of chalk. "Here he comes, Al." The suit of armor stood up to see a man donning a ski mask come running down the street right their way.

"Here we go." Alphonse clapped his hands and the chalk circle glowed. Suddenly, the earth cracked and tore apart right in the man's path.

"Ah! What the-?"

"Good job, Al. Let's go." Edward turned, beginning to leave.

"Wait!" The blond stopped and spun around at the sound of his brother's protest. Chunks of the street were being tossed aside. From underneath them, the burglar, still clutching the purse, emerged.

"How did he-"

"Brother, look out!" Edward immediately jumped out of the way and skidded to a halt on the undamaged ground behind him. Where he stood was now covered by a large chunk of street rubble.

"Why you!" Ed bolted down the ruined street, jumping over the exposed areas, and bee-lined for the burglar. The man grinned and rolled up his sleeves. Ed narrowed his eyes. Automail. The burglar ran towards Ed as well. Unfortunately for him, the State Alchemist had the upper hand. Besides also wearing automail, he could use alchemy like his brother. Ed kicked the man in the stomach, appearing almost spontaneously before him. Trying to stay up, the burglar quickly grasped at Edward to keep him up. The teen stumbled forward, his hood covering his head as he tripped. "Oh no you don't!" Ed quickly caught his footing and punched the man in the face, sending him off for sure. Down on the ground, the thief groaned and Edward clapped his hands. A glow manifested only to fade away, revealing the burglar in a cell which alchemically appeared.

"Ha! Well I still have the purse!" Gloated the thief as he looked at his shoulder while reaching for the bag. His jaw dropped. "What? Where is it?!"

"Over here! I think this is yours, right, Ma'am?" On the other side of the street Alphonse returned the purse he swiped from the burglar when he fell to the previously distressed woman.

"Oh thank you! Whoever you two are!" She gushed, looking back and forth between the two brothers.

"They're superheroes!" Yelled an excited little boy, rushing towards the Elrics.

"Oh, no, we're not-"

"Superheroes who cause more damage than good..."Mumbled a shopkeeper as he surveyed the road.

"Right, I'll fix that." Ed clapped his hands and after the glow disappeared, the street stood solid, good as new. The shopkeeper whistled.

"Well I'll be...Alchemists who are for the people! And here in Central nonetheless!"

"They really are superheroes!" Chimed someone in the crowd. Suddenly the rest of the crowd caught on.

"They must be, that's why that one's in armor and the other's face is masked!"

"Wow, so cool!"

"Mom, I wanna do that too!" Ed and Al looked around them, surrounded by the crowd's growing assumption.

"No...Didn't you hear me? We're not-"A clang captured Al's attention and he looked down to see Edward.

"Just let 'em keep it going, huh? It's not like it'll do any harm. It's better than them knowing the Fullmetal Alchemist was here wrecking things and word getting to Mustang." Alphonse looked back at the genuinely happy crowd.

"Alright..." The two turned to leave only for a tug on Ed's cloak to stop them. They turned around. Behind Ed, clutching his cloak, stood the little boy who had hurried forward earlier.

"Hey, misters, what are your names?"

"Our names?" Repeated Ed, a bit caught off guard. The boy's eyes sparkled.

"Yeah, like your superhero names! Don't worry, I won't ask for your real names. That way bad guys can't find you!" The little boy added in a whisper. Ed and Al exchanged a glance. Suddenly Ed clapped and the two were on a pedestal high above the crowd.

"Brother, what are you doing?" Hissed Alphonse.

"Quick, think up some hero names for us!" Ordered Ed before he turned to the people below him. "Good people of Central City!" He yelled. "I thank you for your patience and am glad that you are all safe! You have nothing to fear, as the streets of Central are now under the protection of not only the military, whose power is useless and spread far too thin, but by the duo of brothers who use alchemy for the people!" The crowd cheered.

"So what are your names?" Squealed the little boy, jumping up and down in excitement. Ed looked at Al.

"Well? What are our names?!" Demanded Ed in a whisper.

"Uh...Uh..."The teen armor fidgeted and looked from Edward to the crowd below. Finally, he stood up straight and addressed the crowd in a loud voice. "Citizens of Amestris, never fear! For I give you, the Red Alchemist!" He announced, gesturing to Edward who waved.

"And at my side, my loyal younger brother- the Armored Alchemist!" Alphonse waved as well and the crowd cheered even louder. "Now, my good people, we must be off! To protect Central City!" With a dramatic woosh of his cloak, Edward clapped his hands and created more columns which increased in height. The boys quickly hopped up their makeshift staircase, landed on a roof, and cancelled the transmutation. The townspeople watched the columns and pedestal disappear. When they looked back to the roof, the Elric brothers were gone.

* * *

><p>"The Red Alchemist? Seriously, Al, where'd you get that from?"<p>

"I don't know! It was hard! You're wearing a red cloak and are an alchemist! You try coming up with a name so short-notice! And how about the 'Armored Alchemist,' huh? Not the most original name!" Ed laughed as the two journeyed through the alleyways. From the street entering was prohibited but the alleys were still open in the back.

"Well, whatever. We got out of there and everybody's happy. Let's head back to our hotel. I have some notes we can review that I got from the library." Edward flipped his hood off and continued on his way. It was afternoon by the time they reached their lodgings. The two alchemists spend the rest of that day in their room. In the morning, after getting ready, the boys headed out.

"Hey, you two, have you heard about this?" The man at the front desk asked, holding up the morning newspaper. Alphonse grabbed it and skimmed the cover.

"Brother!" He showed it to Edward who groaned.

"Oh brother...'Central City's Newest Heroes: The Red Alchemist and the Armored Alchemist- Here to Protect Amestris!' Man, that's one bold title..."Alphonse handed the paper back to the man at the front desk, who smiled.

"Sounds interesting, huh? I figured maybe you two could try tracking them down and see if they have any good alchemy leads. Maybe you can chat with another armor collector too." He added to Alphonse who uneasily laughed before declining a meeting and thanking the man for his information.

"What a drag, so we're actually expected to guard this city?" Complained Edward as they headed towards the library.

"Brother, it's your own fault, you know. You said that we'd protect the city!"

"I was kidding! It was just a stunt-you know. Not like I wanted Mustang to hear what we did."

"So what do we do now?"

"Nothing! It's not like anyone actually expects the alchemist duo to really protect the city." Edward continued on towards the library with his usual eagerness, but Alphonse began to lag a bit, guilt manifest in his mind.

* * *

><p>It was a regular morning when Colonel Mustang entered his office only to be greeted by the sound of Havoc's wild laughter. The man was in stitches at his desk, howling away like a hyena, clutching the newspaper unsteadily before him and surrounded by the rest of Mustang's subordinates- Hawkeye included. Upon seeing this spectacle and noting that even the usually stoic and disinterested Lt. Hawkeye was taking part, the Flame Alchemist couldn't help but wander over to the group.<p>

"Morning, Colonel." Greeted Breda with a grin from behind Havoc's shoulder.

"Morning, Second Lieutenant. May I ask what's so funny in the paper this morning?" Breda chuckled and looked back at the paper which had been yanked from Havoc's wild grasp and placed on his desk, all attempts to flatten out the wrinkles and crinkles failing. Mustang surveyed his men. Havoc was dying, Breda chuckling, Falman smiling and reading with interest, Fuery looking amused and beaming with knowledge, and Hawkeye...Hawkeye was...smiling? Roy blinked and stared at Riza. It was an obvious smile, not even one of her small hidden ones. Like Kain, she seemed to not be surprised at the news. Roy turned to face the paper, staring it down. What was so funny? Was it about him? Armstrong? Did Hughes send Elysia pictures to the Central Cadet yet again and finally get them approved? In an instant the colonel seized the paper and scanned the headlines.

He groaned only to laugh a few moments later, letting a smirk appear on his face.

"You're not going to punish them, are you, sir?" Falman asked. The rest of his staff looked at him expectantly.

"Oh no." He said, a mischievous tone in his voice. "I'm going to make sure they see this through 'til the very end." Roy put the paper down and started for the door. "Lieutenant." Riza started after him.

"The car, I assume?"

"You know me too well."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, things at the Central Library weren't much different from the norm. A few things, however, were quite new to the brothers, and to Edward, quite annoying.<p>

"Do you guys know the superhero alchemists? One wears a suit of armor just like you!"

"Are you a fan of his, too?" Little children swarmed around Alphonse, paying the cloakless Edward no mind. Despite that fact, the children still distracted Edward from focusing on his studies and communicating with Alphonse.

"Hey, Al, are you done playing yet?" Asked Edward, growing more and more impatient.

"Um, one second! Hey, sorry, guys, but I really have to go now! My big brother needs me for something!"

"No! Play with us!"

"Mr. Armored Alchemist! Please play!" Alphonse groaned.

"Aw...What do I do?" He wondered aloud. Suddenly Ed jumped from his seat, startling the children.

"Hey...Was that the Red Alchemist over there? It's gotta be him! And is that the Fuhrer he's with?!"

"Where? Where?" The little children immediately rushed over to where Ed was pointing, abandoning Alphonse, who sighed in relief.

"Thanks, Brother." Ed sat back down and picked up his pencil.

"No problem, at least those noisy little brats are gone."

"Who's little now, Fullmetal?"The pencil snapped between Ed's fingers and he shook with anger.

"Grrr...Mustang, what do you want?" He yelled, looking up at his Commanding Officer. Behind the man stood First Lt. Riza Hawkeye.

"Calm down, Fullmetal. This is a library after all. Let's go outside to discuss this." The boys looked at each other and followed Mustang out of the building and onto the steps.

"What?" Ed asked in his hostile manner. "We don't have time to pick up your filthy laundry or your HIV medication if that's what you're asking."

"I'll ignore that remark for now, Fullmetal. Or should I say the 'Red Alchemist?'" Mustang smirked as he pulled the morning newspaper out of his coat. Ed glared.

"You're kidding me. What makes you think it was us?" Roy's smirk dropped and a look of obviousness took its place.

"Oh right. I forgot how many alchemist brothers wearing suits of armor and red cloaks there are traveling around these days."

"Alright, alright, I get your point already. So what's it to ya?" Roy smiled in an ominous way.

"Why, Mr. Red Alchemist, you already know! Your duty is to protect this town, isn't it?" Ed's face fell.

"You're kidding me..."Roy's smile stayed plastered on his face. Oh...that flamey prick was enjoying this! "You seriously want Al and I to protect this city as a bunch of made up superheroes?!"Yelled Edward.

"Now, Edward, I thought you'd be pleased to hear this. It's much more exciting than inspecting some town or researching hours of notes in a stuffy library. And anyways, you could boost Central's morale with this act." The brothers focused on Roy with suspicious looks.

"Of course...I knew it! You're just going to use this superhero thing to boost your own rep!"

"Why would you say that?"

"That's what you do everything for! But I'd like to know how exactly you're going to get us to help you. What? Proclaim: "We work for the great and powerful Flame Alchemist! Without the inspiration of that man, we'd never be where we are today?" Roy rubbed his chin in thought.

"Actually...that's pretty good. I think we'll go with-"

"Hold on! You can't make us do this anyway! Al and I can't be forced into protecting Central as some made-up-"

"Oh right...However did Al get to be this way?" Mustang feigned as he tapped Al's empty armor. Edward fumed.

"You jackass, just for this you'd expose Alphonse?" Roy smiled.

"All's fair in love, war, and politics, Fullmetal. Ah, I mean 'Red Alchemist.'" Edward glared at him once more.

"Sir, with all due respect, I'm curious at how this is going to help your reputation in Central." Hawkeye remarked. Roy grinned triumphantly.

"Well you see, if the boys aren't cheering my name around, I guess I'll have to be their superhero informant!" The trio stared at Roy who was radiating flamboyance.

"I'm sorry?" Riza asked.

"You see, the boys will need to hear about the bad guys from somewhere. That's where I come in!" The Elrics groaned and Hawkeye shook her head. "I'm the boys' informant! Without me, they wouldn't be able to protect Central! The backstory is that I saved these two one day and inspired them to become heroic alchemists. I now supervise them from my position in the military."

"Colonel, please stop daydreaming."

"Come now, Hawkeye, this plan is amazing!" The woman shook her head.

"Either way, getting your name out there will be hard." Roy went back to his ponderings. While he did this, the Elrics darted back into the library.

"He's insane!"

"The colonel's always been a visionary..."

"This isn't visionary! It's crazy! What is he, five?" Ed angrily sat back down in front of his notes.

"Don't worry, Brother, we'll work this out somehow."

"We'd better..."

* * *

><p>As the boys walked home in the retreating light of the sun, an alarm rang out followed by screams and shouts.<p>

"Wonder what's going on." Alphonse said as the boys faced the origin of the panic. It was a ways off, but they could easily guess.

"Looks like it's coming from Central Bank. Musta been robbed or somethin'."Ed noted.

"From the sound of things it sounds like the robbery's still going on. Should we help out?"

"Nah, the MPs got it." Nevertheless, the boys waited around for a while, the panic continuing.

"Are you sure?" Ed's expression fell a bit.

"Not really..."As the boys started for the bank, Alphonse stopped.

"Oh, Brother! We should don our disguises!"

"What? Are you kidding me? Enough of that superhero stuff already! If we save this bank as them, then Central will really believe that we're here to protect them!"

"But listen!" The boys were silent. In the distant, cries could be heard.

"Where're the alchemist brothers?"

"Please save us!"

"Mr. Alchemists, help! My husband's inside!"

"Don't worry, the Red and Armored Alchemists will save everyone!" Ed groaned once more.

"Fine, fine. We'll go. But first we need some actual disguises..."

Inside the bank, chaos ensued.

"Gimme all the money you got, ya hear?" One burglar demanded, pointing his gun at the tied up hostages on the floor. Other gunmen were pointing their guns at the bank tellers, who were quickly stuffing bags full of cash. Another gunman patrolled the bank's front, floor-length windows. Across from the tied up hostages, a few MPs lay injured and bleeding.

"Hold it right there!" The robbers, hostages, tellers, and MPs looked around.

"Who the hell's there?" The head gunman yelled. From the rafters, a person cloaked in red jumped down, landing on the man.

"What? Never heard of the Red Alchemist?" Edward grinned and issued a thumbs up while standing on the groaning man. He wore his regular black clothes as well as a red cloak he transmuted- the hood up and over his hair. To hide his face, he transmuted a black visor with red trim.

"The Red Alchemist? He exists?" One of the gunmen exclaimed in surprise, forgetting to pay attention to the teller before him.

"I do too." The man turned around to see Alphonse who had a white strip of cloth tied around where the eyes on his helmet were and a white loincloth with black trim on him. Swiftly, Al punched the man in the face, sending him down for the count.

"B-Boss...what do we do?" Another gunman asked bewildered. The man below Edward groaned and then laughed weakly.

"Hostage time!" Ed and Al turned to the group on the floor expectantly.

"Oh no you don't!" Ed yelled, rushing towards the hostages with Al to protect them. The boss laughed louder.

"Behind you!" Yelled a tied-up man. The boys turned around but it was too late. The back of a gun roughly hit the back of Ed's head and a gang of gunmen tackled Alphonse.

* * *

><p>When Ed woke up from being knocked out, he was tied up with Al beside him. Unfortunately for him and Al, they both were handcuffed as well. Ed tried reaching his hands together but had no luck. The wooden restraints were too far apart for his hands to meet. Alphonse was in a similar state, though his hands were bound by chains to different tied up hostages.<p>

"Dang it, what are we gonna do now?" Whispered Ed to Al as the gunmen continued their heist.

"We'll think of something..." The boys then sat there, trying to figure a way out.

"I think we're about finished here." Announced the slightly recovered boss.

"Don't count us out yet!" Yelled Ed as he tried his restraints once more to no avail. The man laughed.

"Yeah, sure. Who's gonna help YOU out to get us? Huh?" The front doors were suddenly kicked open. Outside, MPs and others were crowded behind cement barriers. The boss looked around.

"That would be me." A man in a three-piece suit entered. His suit coat was gone and a black unbuttoned coat took its place. A white scarf was wrapped around his neck that matched his masquerade mask perfectly. He wore white gloves to add to his gentlemanly appearance.

"Who the hell are you? How'd you get in here so easily?" The boss danced around, trying to figure out how the man got in. He stopped upon seeing his man on patrol by the windows lying on the ground clutching his shoulder. "How did...?"

"My team is a strong one, I suggest you back down."

"Why should I? Are you here to rescue these idiots?" The man asked, motioning to Ed and Al. The masked man smirked.

"Of course. We're allies after all. I inspired these boys to become what they are today." Inwardly the Elrics groaned. Despite that, they had no clue what the colonel was doing or planning to do. The gunman turned to the Elrics.

"Who's he?"

"The Playboy Alchemist."

"The Philanthropist." Ed and Al looked at each other.

"Good name." They said to the other. Roy frowned.

"No, I'm the Masked-"

"He's the Orange Alchemist, OK?" A tall figure in SWAT gear said, appearing at Roy's right. From beneath his mask, Roy glared.

"Shall I ask why I'm suddenly just another alchemist?"

"It fits with the genre." Havoc replied, surveying the situation. The boss laughed.

"So I'll have defeated the Red Alchemist, the Armored Alchemist, the Orange Alchemist who, by the way, isn't wearing a shred of orange, and uh...let me guess," he turned to Havoc, "you're the Black Alchemist." Havoc shook his head.

"Naw, I'm-"

"This is my ally, Smokey." Havoc turned to Roy in anger.

"Smokey?!"He quietly hissed. Roy smirked.

"Orange?" The SWAT man groaned.

"Fair enough, let's just get this over with, OK?"

"Hold on, are you the one who shot my friend?" Asked the boss to Havoc, the other gunmen inside at their own stations. Havoc shook his head and Roy replied.

"No, no, that's our good friend the Hawk." Havoc bit back a laugh.

"That's incognito." He sarcastically spat. "I thought you wanted her to be 'Sniper Girl?'" Roy frowned.

"That does have its own charm..."

"Anyone else I need to add to my hit list?" The boss asked. Ed and Al continued to try their restraints, Al tugging the hostages closer to him all the while.

"A few, you'll see. Smokey, let's go!" Havoc groaned as the two suddenly stormed the bank. Gunshots screamed through the air. Roy pulled out his own piece and fired at a few of the men on the left, hitting them. Havoc meanwhile charged the boss as he went to the right. He dove across the floor as a few of the other gunmen shot at him. Finally he landed behind Alphonse with the hostages.

"Lieutenant Havoc-"

"SHHH!"

"Oh, sorry, Smokey! Can you get Brother and me out?" Havoc looked at Alphonse's restraints dumbfounded. Then he looked at Edward's. Then he noticed the hostages and their scared expressions.

"One sec, Armored Alch., I gotta get these guys out first while the Colonel- I mean, Orange over there, is distracting them." With that being said, Havoc whipped out a hunting knife and cut everyone's ropes off. However, Edward and two of the hostages were still bound due to handcuffs and being tied to Alphonse's chains. Havoc looked around, searching for someone.

"Techie! Monk! Secure the hostages!" Yelled Roy as he hid behind a desk for cover from gunfire. Two men in traveling cloaks ran up to the hostages and Havoc. Lo and behold, Kain Fuery and Vato Falman appeared.

"Techie, go see what you can do for the bank tellers- most of the gunmen are off of them, I'll distract the others. Monk, get these people out of here." The men nodded and Fuery dashed behind the counter while Falman led the hostages away.

"Hey! What about us?" Ed asked, banging his restraints against the floor for emphasis.

"Right. Hold still." Havoc raised his gun and bashed it down on Edward's restraints. The wood was smashed and his hands freed.

"Thanks, Smokey." Ed said as he rubbed his wrists. "Alright, now for Al- uh...the Armored Alchemist." Edward clapped his hands and the chains were broken from the hostages, who immediately ran outside. "C'mon, Al," Ed began, "we can't let the colonel get all the glory." Al nodded as he discarded the chains. Havoc was currently shooting down the remaining gunmen who were on the bank tellers. Behind the counter, Fuery was escorting the free tellers out while watching the remaining hostages. Roy was still ducked below a desk, firing about every other shot. Falman was checking on the hostages outside, taking count and other such things. And Hawkeye...Where was Hawkeye?

"Boys, get down!" Ed and Al screamed as they quick hit the floor and a series of successive shots were fired. Hawkeye, wearing her own combination of SWAT gear and casual wear, masquerade mask included, charged into the fray, shooting the men attacking the colonel.

"C'mon, Al, we're losing!" Ed clapped his hands and the floor seized up the men shooting at Havoc. Immediately, Havoc ran in and secured them while Fuery escorted the remaining tellers out. Alphonse dove in front of the colonel, blocking all fire from him. The man ran out from the desk and took his remaining shots from beside Alphonse. Now alone, the boss laughed.

"You think I'm done? I still have more men and all the money I need!" Roy smirked as Edward sealed the robber in a transmuted cage.

"You're underestimating me. There's one more ally that I've got." The man's eyes widened. At that moment, Breda walked in wearing a buttoned up overcoat and a bandana around his mouth. He dragged along a few tied up, bleeding men: the remaining bank robbers who were planning on escaping.

"Why'd I get the boring part?" He asked the colonel idly. Roy smirked.

"Boring but necessary, Straw." Ed choked a laugh.

"Straw?"

"I'm guessing it's from 'Heymans.'" Havoc said, now loitering near the boys as the bank was secured.

"Good job, team!" Roy yelled, giving them a thumbs up. Ed fumed and the soldiers sighed. Their boss was a lunatic.

* * *

><p>The alchemists and soldiers emerged from the bank unscathed. As they left, MPs swarmed the inside to secure the robbers. To everyone's surprise, Fuhrer President King Bradley was standing before them amidst the crowd.<p>

"Good job, Colonel. Oops, I mean...what is your name? The Orange Alchemist, I hear?" The man asked, motioning to one of the hostages who informed him of this earlier. Roy fidgeted. Crap. He hadn't expected to get caught, especially not by the Fuhrer himself. "Same to you Red Alchemist, Armored Alchemist." The Fuhrer nodded at the brothers. "And Team Orange, good job to you all as well." Fortunately they were disguised, but Team Mustang looked downright ashamed and embarrassed.

"Thank you, sir." Roy said. Bradley nodded.

"I appreciate your efforts, but try looking elsewhere for a city that needs protection. We're got all the most talented soldiers and State Alchemists here in Central." Added Bradley with a smile. The superheroes all nervously laughed. Fuhrer talk for thanks for your help but get back to work. The superheroes nodded and ran off, trying to be mysterious and hero-like but all failing.

Everyone met up at Central HQ in their normal attire.

"What was that for, Mustang?" Edward demanded.

"You're lucky we came, you two were in a sticky situation."

"Actually, Colonel, I agree with him. What the heck WAS that for? I'm a grown man, I don't need to be parading about Central City as a superhero." Havoc remarked.

"At least the Fuhrer didn't court-martial us..."

"Yet." Falman replied to Fuery.

"Anyways, I think that worked out nicely."

"How? How in the world did that work out 'nicely,' Mustang?"

"Well the Fuhrer saw it, didn't he? He now knows what lengths I'd go to for keeping this city safe."

"More like for getting a promotion." The door suddenly slammed open. In entered Major Armstrong and Hughes.

"Hey, Roy! Was that you and everyone else out there playing superhero? Why didn't you invite me? Elysia would have loved to see her daddy in a superhero costume!"

"I, too, would have enjoyed engaging in a manly battle with the enemy! Protecting the good people with my valiant acts! The very same that have been passed down through my family line for generations!" Roy groaned. Of course, he should have expected these two in... He turned to address the Elrics to take care of them, but the boys were gone.

"They're getting smarter, Sir." Havoc said grinning and puffing smoke.

"Unfortunately..."Grumbled Roy as the two men before him continued their badgering. He frowned as Hughes and Armstrong continued their dramatics, tears and photos landing on the floor all the while. A sigh and the colonel turned around in his chair and leaned back, ready for a nap filled with superhero dreams and valiant acts. He smirked a bit. If only.

* * *

><p>Oh, Roy, you're so silly. And a bit arrogant and needy. Isn't being the Hero of Ishbal enough?<p>

Anyways, thanks a lot for reading! This was actually the second "chapter" I wrote but it's way better than the first one. I write these when I'm procrastinating from my homework...so yeah...not really any designated time for 'em. I'll be blunt (and probably reader damaging): Don't expect me to update this all the time. It's just a muse I decided to post for the world. OK, now I sound arrogant. Thanks, Roy! But yeah, unless this gets pretty good traffic/ reviews, I probably won't sweat it like my other stories.

And on that note...Some shameless updating/ advertising!

For those of you reading either "The Ouran Pokémon Trainers" (an OHSHC fic) or "Sad Clouds and Treasonous Shadows" (a Naruto fanfic), they're at the top of my list for updating! I'm working on them too, but I'm also doing scholarships and applying for colleges. GROAN. This is terrible.

OK, thanks for your time! Please review if you'd like- it'd help me on writing and motivation, not to mention fill my inbox with mail that's NOT from some college trying to get me to go across the country and to apply apply apply apply for scholarships and jack. Woo...No bueno!

I'd like to tell you next time's chapter but I might come up with a new chap that I want to post so uh...yeah. Anyways, chapter one was originally Roy Mustang taking anger management classes. Yay! I think I'll extend that one for a few recurring chaps too.

Alright, thanks again! Keep on writing!


	2. Lt Jean Havoc Uses Dog to Pick-Up Dates

(3-1-16: Edits made to Havoc's rank + minor revisions. Sorry for the mistakes!)

Let's see...anything interesting in today's news? Oh, this works. Definitely.

* * *

><p><strong>Today's Headline:<strong> _Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc Uses Innocent Dog to Pick-up Dates!_

* * *

><p>Havoc gulped. Riza stared icily down at the curled up soldier before her.<p>

"You were doing what with my dog?" There was no malice in that statement, nor was there any surprise. First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was merely requesting information with a monotone voice that did not mix well with her sharp gaze. Havoc tried to shrink further away as if he could merge with the desk behind him. His attempt to hide failed miserably.

"I was…uh…picking up dates..?" An arched eyebrow from the gun-toting blond. Loud guffaws from the remaining soldiers in the room. The color red flushing Havoc's face from fear, anger, and embarrassment.

Breda was dead.

* * *

><p><em>Central City, Amestris: Four days prior.<em>

_Military HQ, Office of Colonel Mustang and Subordinates_

"So that's why you should never go on dates at the same spot within the timespan of one week." Master Sergeant Fuery nodded at Mustang's wise advice. Roy looked past the young soldier before him to check if his other pathetic subordinates were listening. "Hey, Havoc, did you hear that? I could be saving your dating life right now." Near the door, Second Lieutenant Havoc slouched depressed in his chair.

"Hey, I dare you to go over there and push him out." Whispered Breda to Falman across the room. Back at his desk, Roy loudly leaned back in his leather chair with a groan.

"Okay, who dumped you this time?" He disinterestedly asked. Breda started to laugh.

"He wasn't even dumped this time, Sir." Roy looked dumbstruck.

"Then what the hell was it? Did your cat die or something? Parents not leave you the inheritance?"

"Colonel!"

"Okay, okay, not funny." Roy admitted to Fuery's outburst. "But what's got him sulking so much? It's lowering the morale of this room and making me annoyed that I have to care so much."

"Colonel!"

"I mean, having to babysit and be a therapist for grown men was not in my job description. I'm beginning to realize that this isn't worth my paycheck."

"_Colonel_!"

"Okay! Havoc, I'm sorry for being so insincere." Roy droned in an insincere voice. "Now tell me what's wrong." A loud sigh was heard from under Havoc's desk. His chair was empty.

"Oh, no, he's gone." Monotoned Roy as he went back to drawing transmutation circles on the back of his paperwork.

"Havoc, get the hell up." Ordered Breda as he marched across the room and yanked the man up by his arm.

"There's nothing worth getting up for."

"The reason he's been so down, ah, no pun intended, is because he hasn't even been able to _get_ any dates lately." Falman finally explained.

"Seriously? How sad is that?" Roy mumbled without even looking up.

"So, how's your karma been, Sir?" Breda asked with a grin as he plopped Havoc back in his chair. Roy looked up.

"What's that have to do with anything?" A moment of silence passed. "Oh, no. You're not getting me involved in this one."

"But, Colonel, a man such as you has got to have some pointers, tips, or available women for Havoc."

"Roy Mustang's Dating Service has now closed. Please call again during business hours."

"C'mon, Sir…"

"_Business hours_, Breda."

"Does he really think he has a dating service?" Falman whispered to Fuery. At that moment, the doors swung open and loud clanking noises relieved Mustang of answering.

"Here's my report, old man, see ya." Edward Elric tossed Mustang a file and swung around intent on leaving. Roy stared at the teenager, stunned.

"Did he just call me 'old man?'" He asked. No one wanted to respond to that one.

"Sounds like it, Sir." Quietly assented Fuery as he rushed to dig through paperwork.

"What. The. Hell."

"He sounds like a teenage girl…" Smirked Breda as he watched his C.O. lose it.

"Stop right there, Fullmetal!" Ordered Mustang as he leapt up from his chair.

"What's with him? Actually, what's with _him_?" Edward questioned, staring at the zombie-like Second Lieutenant.

"Can't get any dates."

"Why doesn't he just take some of Mustang's? It's not like he's running out or anything." Edward suggested, still ignoring the Hero of Ishval.

"Edward Whatever-your-middle-name-is Elric."

"Brother, I think we should leave now…" Alphonse said as he inched out of the doorway. Ed grinned deviously.

"Oh, I get it. Mustang doesn't want to share his dates because he really doesn't have that many! He's just a glorified playboy!"

"Excuse me?" Snapped Roy.

"You heard me. I bet you don't even have that many girlfriends or dates or whatever."

"You know good and well that I do, Fullmetal."

"Sure, sure. Well, Al and I better leave before a certain veteran comes to terms with how sucky his life is. Good luck, Lieutenant Havoc." The blond man groaned in response and Edward sauntered out the door.

"Oh, um, Lieutenant Havoc?" Alphonse nervously began, eying Mustang across the room. "I heard that girls like cute things, like cats and baby animals and stuff."

"C'mon, Al!" Roared Edward in the hallway.

"Coming, Brother!" With that, the door slammed shut leaving four subordinates to bear with a pissed off Flame Alchemist. Fuery and Falman were already ducked below their desks, strategically retrieving paperwork.

Roy growled.

"Fine! I'll help you! Here's some damned advice!" He yelled. "_**Don't be a dick**_!" The door slammed again as this time the Flame Alchemist stormed out.

"We're alive!" Fuery cheered as he popped up from under his desk.

"He's PMS-ing or somethin'…" Breda figured, scratching his head.

"Well, Alphonse did have a point."

"Huh? What'd he say?"

"He said that girls like cute things. That makes sense, right?" Falman asked. Slowly, Breda nodded.

"But what cute aspects does Havoc have?" The three soldiers looked the slumped-over bachelor over.

…Before promptly looking away out of pity and exasperation.

Unanimous thought: "None. None whatsoever."

"Um, but remember what Alphonse said after that?"

"What?"

"Animals. Specifically baby animals." Fuery recalled.

"Okay, so we buy Havoc a cuddly companion and suddenly he'll get dates? I'm not buying it. No amount of cute and cuddliness is going to distract from or makeover _that_." Breda jabbed a thumb over in Havoc's direction where he was once again sinking out of his chair.

"Right…"

"And where would we get an animal anyways? Would Havoc's landlord even allow that?"

"See, this plan is already falling to pieces." Breda, though the one originally advocating helping Havoc, was now turning down the only lead they had.

"What if Havoc borrows a baby animal?"

"What _kind_ of baby animal?" Falman asked.

"Guys, he can't just borrow some animal."

"Well, there are kittens, piglets, puppies, colts, ewes, chicks, cubs, kits…"

"Are you listening to me?"

"But he'll be walking around in public so a lot of those are out."

"Fuery? Falman? Hey!"

"Yeah. So…puppies, chicks, kits, kittens…"

"Oh! That Xingese girl the Elrics are friends with! She's got that baby panda!"

"Right! What could be cuter than a baby panda?"

"Guys! This isn't going to work!" Falman and Fuery turned to Breda.

"Why not?"

"Agreed. If Havoc can borrow a pet and get just one date, he'll be out of our hair. We'd have helped him and if it failed it's not our fault." Breda sighed.

"Okay, fine, but the baby panda idea is out."

"Why?"

"How are we supposed to find that Xingese girl? She's traveling with Scar anyways."

"Good point…But…hey!"

"Yes, Fuery?"

"We do happen to know someone who has a cute and reliable baby companion…"

"Who?"

"First Lieutenant Hawkeye!" As exciting as finding a "sponsor" was, the discovery was equally as terrifying.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye? She'd never loan us Black Hayate for such 'frivolous and useless' activities!"

"So what then?" Breda rubbed his chin in thought.

"Well, I guess we're just gonna have to sneak Black Hayate away somehow."

"Like steal?"

"No…Not even I'm crazy enough to steal Lieutenant Hawkeye's dog. We're just going to have to…uh...trick her a little bit."

"Trick her? Trick Lieutenant Hawkeye?" Fuery's eyes were wide circles behind his glasses. Beside him, Falman appeared hesitant, yet waited for Breda's explanation.

"See, it wouldn't hurt if we asked to take Black Hayate out for a walk or something, right?"

"True, but dates usually last a while, right?" Asked the Master Sergeant, eyes filled with concern. Breda continued smiling victoriously and nodded.

"Yeah, but patrols take a while too. Plus, Havoc could meet someone one day and arrange the date for another time- with or without Hayate. Remember, guys, our goal is to get this pathetic sap back in the game, not to win it completely for him. Besides, I'm not a miracle worker or anything, and neither is Black Hayate…" He added in a mutter. Falman placed a hand to his mouth in thought.

"This does seem plausible…"

"It does but…don't you think the First Lieutenant will notice?" Despite Breda's decently thought-out plan, Fuery was still skeptical. Breda shrugged.

"Well, that all comes down to Havoc, now doesn't it?"

* * *

><p>"You want me to <em>what<em>?" It was the following day and the four men were gathered in the locker room, changing after a mandatory shooting practice. Fortunately, Team Mustang happened to score the room to themselves.

"It's just like we said, Havoc." Breda replied as he leaned against a set of lockers. "Just ask Lieutenant Hawkeye to let Black Hayate go on patrol with you." Pulling a fresh uniform jacket onto his arm, Havoc regarded Breda warily.

"Sure, that sounds good and all, but it's not that likely she'll give me the dog. I mean, none of you trust me with that thing. The only one she lets have it unquestioned is Fuery, and we all know he can't pull off a good lie, especially to the Lieutenant." Sitting on a bench in the middle of the room, the master sergeant in question cast a downward gaze at the floor, pausing in tugging his boots on to feel ashamed for his honesty. "And speaking of that, we're brought back to square one: How the hell can anyone get _anything_ past the First Lieutenant?" The three other men were silent.

"Well…"Spoke Falman, earning the room's attention. "I don't think the First Lieutenant would question it as much if this order came from, say, Colonel Mustang, do you?" Eyes wide, the trio stared at him.

"Oh, no, we're not getting Roy involved." Denied Havoc as he packed up his possessions.

"I'm sure the colonel would never let us off the hook for his help." Added Breda despite the one to take that hit being one other than himself.

"Well, why don't we try honestly asking First Lieutenant Hawkeye first? Who knows, maybe she'll let Havoc have Black Hayate." Frozen stares and narrowed eyes landed upon Sergeant Fuery. He fixed his glasses. "What? It's the easiest option we've got." Breda sighed.

"True, but if we use that one and it gets shot down, all other attempts are obvious." Falman nodded. A high-pitched, strangled groan came from Second Lieutenant Havoc, who sank down to the ground, back against the lockers.

"It's fine, guys." He hollowly announced. "Really. I appreciate what you're doing, but…" Without anything further, the Second Lieutenant plopped to the ground, curled up helplessly. His eyes were empty as he gnawed on a cigarette.

"Oh, hell no! Okay, that's it! That's what I'm sick of!" Exclaimed Breda as he gawked at the man-child on the ground formerly known as Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc.

"Agreed." Remarked Falman with an uncomfortable tone. He and Master Sergeant Fuery surveyed the sad sight of what was a higher ranking officer.

"Alright, I have a plan, but we need to make sure this first shot works, okay?" Checked Breda. The other two vigorously nodded, ignoring the heap of a man to their right.

* * *

><p><em>-The Next Day-<em>

"Borrow Black Hayate?" Lieutenant Hawkeye's sharp eyes shifted, studying the large man before her. Breda strongly nodded.

"Yep. Think you'd allow that?" The sniper's eyes glided over to Second Lieutenant Havoc, currently slumping over his desk, meagerly scrawling out an expense report.

"You're certain about this intel?"

"Well, there's no strong intel about it; I just have the personal feeling that taking Black Hayate out into the field will certainly help his instincts as well as our patrols. Plus," The man began to whisper and leaned in closer to Riza, "if you haven't noticed, Havoc's morale has been down pretty low lately. I think a change of pace may snap him out of it." Riza continued studying the co-worker to her left, watching him idly jot down explanations for why a large sum of cens was spent on ceiling tiles ("First, make sure to write down that they exist, because they do. Second, say they were for alchemical reasons; that's usually how we get most things past the higher-ups." Instructed Roy an hour earlier.).

"Well," She began, "I suppose it couldn't hurt."

"_Yes_!" Breda thought, a grin on his face.

"Plus, you were saying that Master Sergeant Fuery would be going with him, correct?" Breda nodded. He figured that would be a good stipulation to have for Havoc's credibility. "I see. Then there's no reason to worry. Master Sergeant Fuery knows how to properly handle Black Hayate, and the Second Lieutenant is more than capable on the field, should need for action arise." Breda continued nodding.

"Yes, thank you, First Lieutenant." With a salute, Breda quickly left, dragging Havoc from his chair and motioning for Fuery to join him out the door.

Within minutes, the trio had secured Black Hayate and were out on the streets of Central.

"Alright, Havoc, this is your one and only chance, got it?" Dumbfounded, Havoc held the leash which Black Hayate was tied to, the latter presently sniffing the street corner. Breda stood behind Master Sergeant Fuery, refusing to admit his fear of canines, yet blatantly avoiding the dog.

"Uh, shouldn't I, you know, be working?" Fuery and Breda stared at the blond.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Are you okay, Second Lieutenant?" Fuery shot the smoker a concerned gaze.

"What? I'm serious!"

"Man, it's worse than we thought…" Muttered Breda, Fuery nodding.

"Second Lieutenant, please take this time to find yourself a date!"

"As if it's that easy!"

"Just try, okay?" Snapped Breda. "I'm sick of picking you up from bars, drunk as hell, and then listening to you sobbing about your latest rejections." At this, the Second Lieutenant groaned.

"Marie…I really thought Marie and I had something special…" As the man began to lean on the building next to them, despair painted all across his face, Breda grabbed him by the collar and shook him.

"Snap out of it, idiot! Does Jean Havoc give up so easily?" Weakly, the one in question nodded, earning a sharp shaking from Breda. "No! No he doesn't! If you don't want Colonel Mustang to laugh at your dating failures for the rest of your life, you'd better step up your game!"

"You say it like I just _can_." Noted Havoc, looking positively unmoved.

"Maybe before, but now Jean Havoc is a new man; a different man! You have your good luck charm, Black Hayate!" Breda motioned to the canine who was sitting near the curb, at attention.

"You're saying a dog is going to turn my dating life around?" Sniffed Havoc, sarcastically amused. "What love guru'd you hear that from? Major Armstrong?"

"No, Alphonse Elric, actually…But that's beside the point! Are you going to take the chance we gave you, Havoc?" Demanded Breda. The blond sighed.

"Guess I'll try." He mumbled. Breda's face lit up.

"Good. Fuery and I will meet you a few blocks from HQ at that ice cream shop around four. Meanwhile, we'll be on patrol. Good luck!" With that, Breda and Fuery scurried off, leaving Havoc alone with Hayate. The country boy looked down at the dog, who in return was gazing up at him expectantly.

"Well, guess it's just you and me now."

* * *

><p>Still in uniform, Havoc wandered around downtown Central with Black Hayate leading the way. Though the dog was trained to keep an even pace when not on-duty, it seemed to sense that Havoc had no destination in mind and decided to supply him with one. Looking around, Havoc noticed something.<p>

"Hey, dog, it's the park." Sure enough, to his right, Central City Park sat complete with trees, benches, hills, and an expansive pond.

After strolling around for a while, Havoc sat on a bench and let go of Hayate's leash, letting the dog frolic about while he lazily watched. A few minutes later, Havoc put his arms behind his head and closed his eyes, thinking about the events of the past few days.

Three minutes later, the soldier was fast asleep.

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Gah!" Havoc jolted awake, eyes wide as he instantly sat up straight. Frantically looking around, a hand at his holster, he realized he was not in any danger and had simply fallen asleep on a park bench. A giggle from his left revealed to him that he was not alone. Glancing that way, he choked a breath.

"I'm sorry for laughing, you just seemed so alarmed. I guess that's good for a soldier though, constant attention and all." The woman smiled and tucked a curly lock of short brown hair behind her ear. Havoc stared at her.

"Uh, yeah. Did you need something, miss?" He attempted, stunned by her presence. The woman giggled once more and nodded.

"Yes, sir. This is your dog, right?" Blinking, Havoc glanced downward where he saw Black Hayate sitting patiently. The woman held his leash.

"Yeah, yeah, sorry about that." Rushed Havoc, taking the leash from the woman and laughing.

"_She's…she's…She's just my type_!" Screamed Havoc inwardly. The woman before him was around his age with short, curly light brown hair. She had cloudy blue eyes, a bright smile, and of course, Havoc's main concern, big boobs. Unfortunately for him, her lilac turtleneck hid most of her features, as did her long skirt. Still, Havoc was sold.

"No problem. He came over to me a few minutes ago, whimpering and pawing at me."

"What? That's not like him at all!" Exclaimed Havoc with genuine surprise and purposely exaggerated delivery.

"Really! Well, he must have been very concerned for his owner, Mister…"

"Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc." Supplied the blond with bright eyes. "And your name is…?"

"Rhonda. I know, you can laugh, it's a funny name. Awful, really."

"No! Not at all! I think it's a beautiful name." Added Havoc with a smile, earning more giggles from the woman.

"Thank you!"

"No, thank **you** for finding my dog."

"No problem! He seemed worried, but I guess he was just lonely and wanted his owner to wake up. So is he a military dog? He's so cute though! What's his name?" As the woman petted Black Hayate, Havoc grinned. Despite what he said, he was definitely going to have to thank Alphonse Elric after this.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Jean Havoc was happily strolling through the streets of Central, a jump in his step and a wag in Black Hayate's tail.<p>

The duo had succeeded in not only making the acquaintance of Rhonda, a soon-to-be school teacher, but also Deborah, Anna, Kel, Seline, Mackinzie, and Zois. Deborah was the daughter of a shopkeeper, Anna a florist, Kel a bridal wear model, Seline a maid, Mackinzie a secretary for a higher ranking soldier, and Zois a midwife who, within the first twenty minutes she knew Havoc, revealed to him that she was of partial Ishvalan descent.

Overall, Havoc was a believer. A happy believer. If there was a religion dedicated to Black Hayate or whatever breed of dog he was, Havoc was ready to sell all his cigarettes and sign up. If there wasn't one already, well, he was this close to starting it himself.

Slowing down, he eyed the building he had been searching for and entered. As he walked in, two heads turned from a table, surprise written all over their faces.

"Havoc?"

"Second Lieutenant?" Breda and Fuery sat at a table toward the right of the room, bowls of ice cream sitting before them.

"Hey, how was the patrol?" Asked Havoc as he sat down, motioning to the manager and then the dog at his feet. Earning a nod, the soldier tied Black Hayate's leash to a table leg as Breda scooted his chair away from the table.

"It…was good…" Replied the Second Lieutenant, studying his friend and comrade.

"So…Second Lieutenant…You seem to be in a…good mood." Remarked Sergeant Fuery warily, eying the man like his co-worker. The blond nodded enthusiastically.

"Yep. Had a good day- no- a great day. What are you guys doing back so early?" Breda blinked but noted how Havoc was beaming, barely able to pretend to be courteous.

"Well…to be honest, we thought you'd strike out or give up too soon in the game, so we came back here after we finished our patrol." Havoc laughed.

"Too bad! Guess you've been here for a while then, huh? Well you were wrong! Black Hayate is an angel! A miracle worker! A god even!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think any canines will be judging my eternal soul, thank you very much." Rejected Breda, repulsed at the thought.

"Well, whatever! We've got dates lined up for days! And it's all thanks to you, buddy!" With that, Havoc reached down to roughly pet Black Hayate in gratitude.

"Um, Second Lieutenant, did you say 'we?'" Breda and Fuery stared at the man, waiting for a response.

"Uh, yeah," Replied Havoc, scratching his head, "but I'm sure that we'll be fine, right?" The other two stared at each other, expressions of skepticism worn blatantly on their facades.

"Damn it, Havoc, this was a one-time deal!"

"First Lieutenant Hawkeye will definitely know something's up!"

"Now we have to cover our tracks…"

"I can't lie again!"

"Hey! Why can't you guys ever be happy for my successes? What'd you do?"

* * *

><p><em>Presently: A few minutes before<em>

"Second Lieutenant Havoc, may I ask why you have been requesting both Black Hayate and patrol duty for the past week?" Havoc shrieked, dropping his pen, and quickly laughed to cover his surprise.

"Oh, Lieutenant Hawkeye! Um, no reason, really. Just that Black Hayate's made some great progress on the streets."

"You hate patrol duty." Absently remarked Roy from his desk, idly munching on a turkey sandwich from a nearby café as he perused overdue paperwork.

"Well, with Black Hayate, things have been going a lot better!" Lieutenant Hawkeye raised an eyebrow, her eyes unintentionally boring holes into the guilty man.

"I see…" She replied, skepticism plenty present in her tone. "However, it has come to my attention that you have been taking him on night patrols, too, even when you're not on duty." At this, all eyes overtly landed on Havoc. While Falman, Fuery, and Breda had been secretly listening in, they all openly eyed him, seeing how he would respond to this interrogation. Breda had been anticipating this moment. He and Fuery tried persuading Havoc as much as they could to leave Black Hayate at the office, but the man continued stubbornly taking the canine with him. After a few attempts at coaxing, Breda finally stopped caring what would happen to the man now that he was on Cloud Nine.

Havoc was sweating. In his nervous state, he rose from his desk to retrieve the pen he had dropped and to fake casualness by delivering a report to Mustang.

"It was an experiment." He explained as he handed the paper to Roy. "You see, I was seeing if Black Hayate was competent for patrol at night as well. Crime never sleeps, you know." He awkwardly chuckled and walked back to his desk. However, as he returned, Riza's gaze became sharper. He inwardly whimpered. Shaking, he dropped his pen once more and bent down before his desk to reclaim it.

"Second Lieutenant, you can be honest. I don't know what you were doing with my dog, but if you were scared or needing protection, or even if you were investigating something or…I don't know, don't take this the wrong way, Jean, but feeling comforted by him, I don't care. I won't get angry at you. I just want honesty. So what is the truth, Jean?" On the floor, Havoc saw his life flash before his eyes. The woman would kill him. Squishing himself into the fetal position and inhaling deeply, Havoc exhaled likewise. Then, he gazed up at his co-worker, comrade, and now possible executioner.

"Iusedyourdogtogetagirlfriend."

Havoc gulped. Riza stared icily down at the curled up soldier before her.

"You were doing _what_ with my dog?" There was no malice in that statement, nor was there any surprise. First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was merely requesting information with a monotone voice that did not mix well with her sharp gaze. Havoc tried to shrink further away as if he could merge with the desk behind him. His attempt to hide failed miserably.

"I was…uh…picking up dates..?" An arched eyebrow from the gun-toting blond. Loud guffaws from the remaining soldiers in the room. The color red flushing Havoc's face from fear, anger, and embarrassment.

Breda was dead.

"Picking up…dates?" Weakly, Havoc nodded as Riza Hawkeye attempted to understand the scenario.

"It worked pretty well." He mumbled. A laugh sounded from the man's left, and he turned to see Roy Mustang smirking behind his desk.

"So Black Hayate's a chick-magnet? Who knew."

"And, come to think of it, Alphonse Elric is a love expert." Falman noted.

"A ladies' man."

"A real softie behind that armor, sly guy." Grinned Breda.

"See? It was Alphonse's idea that sparked all of this. The guys were the ones who forced your dog upon me, Lieutenant." At this, the First Lieutenant's gaze landed upon the trio at the other end of the room. Sweat suddenly poured down their foreheads.

"Uh, it's not what you think, Lieutenant." Defended Falman.

"Yeah, we were just sick of Havoc's constant downers and lack of performance on the field and in the office." Added Breda.

"W-what they said, Lieutenant." Said Fuery. "We were just trying to help him, ma'am. I'm sorry we weren't completely honest." With an arched eyebrow, the Lieutenant studied the trio.

"Well, I suppose no harm was done." The three sighed in relief. "And it still provided Black Hayate with good experience with other handlers…" Havoc eagerly nodded. "However," Her eyes shifted back to her first conversationalist, who gulped once more, "you did take my dog under false circumstances, and you even used him for unofficial matters such as your own dating life." Havoc frowned. He didn't like where this was going.

"I'm sorry, First Lieutenant. It won't happen again." He swore. She nodded.

"It won't. However, as for now, I think a fitting punishment would be caring for Black Hayate while he's at HQ as well as taking swing shift."

"What? Swing shift? Why swing shift? How will I go on any dates?" Havoc's mouth hung open as Breda attempted to stifle his growing laughter. As First Lieutenant Hawkeye turned around, starting back for her desk, the others in the room excluding Havoc saw the small, amused smirk on her face.

"Well, there's no avoiding that for the next week, Second Lieutenant. I suppose you'll have to reschedule." As she moved to pick up a stack of papers, Havoc screamed in agony behind her.

* * *

><p>Poor Havoc... He can never win, can he? But then again, he was up against the invincible Lt. Hawkeye this time, so I guess he never stood a chance! Lesson learned- Ask people before using their pets to pick-up dates!<p>

See you next time!


End file.
